Tag Archives: 1880-1899

Good Pun, Though

kill aprinter Feb 23 1899

I found this exchange in the February 23, 1899 edition of The Chatham Record.

“I’ve come to kill a printer, ” said the little man.

“Any printer in particular?” asked the foreman.

“Oh, any one will do. I would prefer a small one, but I’ve got to make some sort of a blad at a fight or leave home, since the paper called my wife’s pink tea a ‘swill affair.'” — Indianapolis Journal.

I looked up  what I thought might be the word “blad” from the barely legible text and found the definition: “a promotional flyer or mockup for a product, especially for a book”. Sounds reasonable. I’ll go with that.

Incidentally, when I combed the internet in search of a more readable version of the text, many of the search results were blog posts stating “I want to kill my printer”. Yikes.

Elsewhere in Apparel

Fish slicker Oct 21 1886

This ad from the October 21, 1886 edition of The Chatham Record rings true for me but I can’t put my finger on why. Maybe I’m so credulous because a raincoat either works or it doesn’t; there is no placebo effect when it comes to rain gear.

The FISH BRAND SLICKER is warranted waterproof, and will keep you dry in the hardest storm. The new POMMEL SLICKER is a perfect fishing coat and covers the entire saddle. Beware of imitations. None genuine without the “Fish Brand” trade-mark. Illustrated Catalogue free. A. J. Tower, Boston, Mass.

It’s just. That. Easy.

Johnson and Wiggs

This graphic from the October 14, 1880 edition of The Chatham Record looks like the inscrutable logo for a company whose name starts with “E”, but it just wants to show you how to hook your newfangled Delta Cotton Tie.

Thanks, Johnson & Wiggs!

 

Let’s Do This!

fast mails 5

This breathless article from the August 8, 1889 issue of The Chatham Record predicts the passenger “bullet trains” that appeared nearly eighty years later.

 

FAST MAILS

Letters to be Carried Hundreds of Miles in an Hour.

A System Which May Revolutionize the Postal Service.

A Boston correspondent of the New Orleans Picayune says: Within a twelvemonth from the present date mail will be carried from Boston to New York City in sixty minutes. So say the capitalists who are making arrangements for the establishment of a transport line, on the so called “portelectric system, ” for the conveyance of letters and packages between the metropolis and the modern Athens. Even the least sanguine backer of the enterprise are confident that, if the expected public support is given to the scheme, not more than two years will be required at most for the establishment of the necessary plant in running order, to bring the two centers of population within an hour’s distance by post. The said plant will resemble, as to its most essential part, a little elevated railway, supported on a single line of tall iron uprights and stretching from the post office here to that on the island of Manhattan. Along the track on top runs a small car laden with mail freight, which at certain intervals during its transit is seen to go under queer-looking box-shaped arches. These box-like arrangements contain each one a coil of wire, passing beneath the rail below and around over the arch, so that the moving mail carriage runs, as it were, through a succession of coiled wire hoops. And these latter communicate the motive power to the vehicle. Such a hoop of magnetized coiled wire is called a “helix,” and possesses this peculiar property, that if a bar of iron or steel be placed with one end near the center of the coil, the bar will be drawn into that center. Place a number of similar coils in a row and start an electric current through them, then apply the bar to the first coil, and by cutting of and letting on the circuit at the proper intervals, so as to disengage the bar from the attraction of one coil in time to have it drawn on by the next, the bar may be made to move continuously through the hoops. In this way it is that the little mail car of magnetized steel is caused to pass along its rails through the successive coils of boxed-in wire, the latter being magnetized by a current from a dynamo, which the car itself shuts off and turns on automatically as it proceeds. The speed to be attained by the car in this manner is almost incalculable. As is recognized in mechanics, a constant propelling force is productive of nearly infinite velocity, obstructed only by the resistance of friction. In this system the only friction comes from the air and the slight contact of the car with the rails. Two hundred and fifty miles an hour is not thought to be an overestimate of the speed easily to be compassed by the portelectric post-dispatch. At the starting point the wire coils will have to be close together and on up-grade; but elsewhere, and especially on down grades, they may be few and far between, the motive power needed being slight. Six stations, placed at intervals between here and New York, will supply the requisite currents from dynamos.

Many experts think that the system is destined to revolutionize the postal service in this country. For instance, it is expected that instead of mails hours apart between Boston and New York, carriage will be sent over the tracks from either end of the line at five-minute intervals, thus rendering unnecessary the waiting for mails to close, and giving people in one city an opportunity to read their letters two hours after they are written in the other. Once prove the notion a success here and it will be quickly adopted everywhere. By applying it on a large scale, too, who knows that it may not serve for the transportation of passengers someday? At the rate of 250 miles an hour one could put a girdle around the earth in four days! Truly, it is a wonder century we live in.

You Could Probably Get Away With “HEY! HEY!!”

Fire_July_10_1890

This advertisement from the July 10, 1890 edition of The Chatham Record would be more effective read aloud, but that’s probably illegal.

 

All Kinds of Everything

Herbal_Remedies_2101887

This advertisement from the February 10, 1887 issue of The Chatham Record appears to be for a single product, but a closer look shows it hawking around ten different medicines. A further disclaimer runs up the sides of the ad:

ONE kind of medicine will not cure all kinds of diseases. Dr. Kilmer’s preparations are Specifics – a remedy for each disease. They are the result of a successful practice since 1859.

I hope they came in different colored bottles, at least.

Fly Paper

Dutcher_Fly_Killer

Here’s another ad that grabs your attention with giant type. It got mine, anyway.

You have to hold your head just right to see it, but this advertisement from the July 7, 1892 edition of The Chatham Record is hawking pest control.

BETTER DEAD
THAN ALIVE

Dutcher’s Fly Killer is certain death. Flies are attracted to it and killed at once. They do not live to get away. Use it freely, destroy their eggs and prevent reproduction. Always ask for Dutcher’s and get best results.

FRED K. DUTCHER DRUG CO.,
ST. ALBANS, VT.

Eureka!

1_15_1885

The print is largely illegible in this advertisement from the January 15, 1885 issue of The Chatham Record, but I found lots of similar late nineteenth-century advertisements online. So here, courtesy the internet and several unsung archivists, is what the ad probably says:

60 cts. Large Size, $1.

A complete model Incandescent, Electric Lamp with Battery, Stand Globe, Platina Burner, Wire, and instructions for putting the American Electric Light in operation without danger. Either size mailed postpaid, on receipt of price by the manufacturer.

Frederick Lowey
96 Fulton Street, New York

Administering Medicine?

November_5_1896_Doctor_sepia

The November 5, 1896 edition of The Chatham Record carried this odd advertisement on its rear page. The copy hawks a book that identifies the “easily-distinguished Symptoms of different Diseases, the Causes, and Means of Preventing such Diseases, and the Simplest Remedies which will alleviate or cure.” The ad further contends that the book will teach the basic tenets of “Courtship, Marriage and the Production and Rearing of Healthy Families; together with Valuable Recipes and Prescriptions, Explanations of Botanical Practice, Correct Use of Ordinary Herbs.”

Having promised the serenity of knowledge, the ad ends with a warning: “With this Book in the house there is no excuse for not knowing what to do in an emergency. Don’t wait until you have an illness in your family before you order, but send at once for this valuable volume.”

But what’s going on in this illustration? Is it an early variant on the Heimlich Maneuver, or an “emergency disciplinary session”?

 

You Can’t Argue With This Advertisement

I certainly won’t until I figure out what it means.

If you like ’em inscrutable, you’ll find few examples that better this ad from the May 7, 1885 issue of The Chatham Record. It reads like refrigerator magnet poetry.

Men think may 14 1885

Actually, now that I think about it here’s one that matches it.